An open letter to the man I loved

Dear XXXX,

Yesterday I received a telephone call from our daughter. She was asking me to deliver the winter coat you bought her to your place.

As I told her, I would bring it to school for drop-off in her locker Monday because she wore a warm coat that she liked to school that day. The big difference besides color? You didn't supply it.

I am sorry for so many things.

I am sorry that I didn't notice she wasn't wearing the other coat when she crossed back into her alternative life.

I am sorry that you made her call.

I am sorry that I had to tell her, as she broke down in tears, that this wasn't a conversation that she and I didn't need to have.

I am sorry that you were too busy to talk to me, even though it was clear that you were standing next to her during the entire conversation.

I am sorry that you couldn't find it in yourself to call me yourself and had to get your boyfriend partner to call to make arrangements for the coat's immediate return.

I am sorry that the two of you have made other life choices that allow you the benefit of two cars, and I, still, after how many years (?) rely on city transit, kindness of others, bicycle or foot to get around, had to make arrangements to get to your home, located in the suburbs, to drop off this coat.

I am sorry that you decided not to bring our eldest child to his art class that's only a block from his school so that the transfer could be made easier on both of us.

I am sorry that you felt it more important to run errands that morning and that none of them brought you to this neighborhood.

I am sorry that I may have caused you to postpone your ski trip because the ski tags have to be attached to that coat.

What I am not sorry for is that I loved you completely, utterly and deeply and that I was committed to you up to the point where you walked out, making the decision that it was more important to you to have an open marriage then have me as a life partner.

I am not sorry for the children we had together. They may not have been conceived in overt acts of affection, they are the loves of my life. They are MY gifts from God, and I am a better person for tangling with their struggles.

I am not sorry for the first years of our separation being a typical messy wardivorce. I thought I could provoke you into being a parent. I thought you only needed a wake up call to get your head out of your ass pay attention to what was real in your life.

I was wrong. I still am wrong. For that, kids, I'm deeply, utterly sorry. So sorry that all you've known is the separation of households.

I'm not sorry for saving myself and looking out for the best I could do for you. I've tried to make things right. I tried to make your life different to what you're experiencing now. It didn't work. It's up to you know to make your wishes known and stand up to the bullyyour father.

XXXX if my wishes held merit in the universe, this is my wish for you:

. That you find the courage to be a man, and not hide behind XXXXXXX, or use your children the way you have.
. That you find the selflessness it takes to be a parent. Your children need YOU, not the reasonable facsimile that you have given them.
. That you find peace. Carrying around anger takes W-A-Y too much energy which could be better spent on living a fun life.
. That you find how to be generous towards others. I thought I saw that once, way back, but, I could be wrong in what I saw.
. That you find healing. You've been battered around by women who have tried to love you. We loved you for who we saw. Be more genuine. Facades need too much upkeep and only disappoint in the end.

Your children need you. They love you. Keep up the status quo, and you will find yourself a very lonely man. I don't think either of us want that.

Loved,

Me