And so it goes, and so it goes

It's been a rough day at work. I've been asked to do something a soon-to-be displaced colleague/friend was to do.

I asked a question about the formerly assigned project because I just don't understand what's the problem and wanted to do knowledge transfer. Badly placed question. And now I think I've lost a friend, possibly two.

The big "Y"

Josie asks "Why would it take so long for the kids to get a message".

Can I take this opportunity for a slight side jaunt and mention that when I've mailed something to the kids, they've mysteriously never received them, though if a reimbursement cheque is mailed to the same address, in the same week its cashed. Go figure.

So, back on track, and to Josie's question - *I* don't know.

The actions of the adults in that household kind of speak for themselves eh?

Eating away at me

I had to go out tonight, to an event that I was only 1/2 interested in. I kinda-sort of left early because the second speaker came on and mentioned a dirty word: facets.

Well, ok. It's not a dirty word to most - those (three) of you who follow taxonomy issues will understand what a real headache this can be. The presenter was talking about facets in terms of how they can be used in indexing. I didn't like the way things were going, so I buggered out.

I came home to two telephone messages from my CU-2 who is currently at her father's, aka The Cone of Silence, until Friday. It's so irregular that I get ANY calls from either child, that because I got two, in the same night, it makes me worry. She asked me to call her back ... tonight ... tomorrow ... well, I'm on the road as of 7:15, if not earlier, tomorrow morning. She may or probably won't get the message until, oh ... Thursday night as she goes to bed, which is usually when the adults in that household pass along messages. So ... I'm hoping it's just an issue about passing along a Webkinz code, as per her request to me as I passed through the school grounds to get CU-3.

Tears

Ok. It's been a couple of weeks since posting something for Jonathan's BlogFriday. I really really like the idea of BlogFriday. Since going back to work, I've been having troubles making all the rounds, doing all the postings, and keeping up with the pile of laundry at home.

BUT, Johnathan has posted a word I know a lot about - tears.

So, here's the latest tears story. Last weekend we got access to the Mothership's car while she and Grandpa D head to warmer places. With the car, we have our regular obligations - go to their place pick up the mail, water the cat and pick them up at the end of their trip.

Having a car at our disposal is very different. It means that we're running longer-distance errands, and doing some fun stuff that we only do when the Grands go on their yearly trip. So, last week we went to a special toy store. This is the brain-version of toy stores, the good-for-you-educational-toy style of stores. I love it. It sure beats the one trip (ever) I did to Toys 'R' Us, oh, about 12 years back.

I took the two older CU-s there as they have a better selection of mother-approved toys. CU-3 found her area of expertise pretty quickly. Narrowing the decision took longer, a lot longer. But, there I left her to battle it out and discuss the benefits of each with one of the helpful mom-substitutes they have wandering the store.

CU-4 had a harder mission. He wanted a laser.

As a side bar story - DH is the Health and Safety officer for a well known employer in our community. He'd just spent the previous weekend drafting safety policy for the use of lasers as his work ... can you see a conflict building here?

CU-1 found another mother-substitute and started talking to her about this particular laser he'd seen the previous year that I'd brought him to the store (note: it's only when the Grandparents are out of town do we make this trip. It's that special.)

The mother-substitute was very helpful and even ignored my regular eye-rolling and attempts to insert myself into the conversation.

Eventually she figured out that the laser kit that he was looking for was all sold out and a hot item for the winter of 2006.

I packed up the unhappy CU-1 and the ecstatic CU-2 who finally made her choices and made my way through the next errands. CU-1 kept nagging me about going to the fancy-pants toy store more in our neighborhood. By this point in time we were driving home, so it was like, ok. We'll go. I dropped him off at the corner and parked the car.

By the time CU-2 and I made it into the house, he'd grown confident in his quest, found a clerk and made his request known. While they didn't have it in that store, they had it in a sister store. (It being freezing rain that day, I asked if they could transfer it to this store.)

In the car, I turned around to see this pre-adolescent CU-1 crying. "What's up?" I asked, thinking I'd done something horribly wrong.

"Rein, Maman." he responded.

They were tears of joy ...

Good things

Good things are happening I just haven't had the time to get to the computer to share them.

The baby is making quacking noises in kitchen. DH is making fresh Belgian waffles and I'm going for massagies (therapeutic massage that keeps me upright) in about an hour.

I've been notified of winning first place in a neighborhood photo competition and I got an amazing performance review at work.

My Lenten efforts, though tentative, are making in roads into the cultural scene here - people are starting to remember me or stuff that I've posted/dropped off (though I was told by one gallery owner photography doesn't sell - I'm ok with that. It's not my intent to sell, it's just a very nice side affect).

The sun is shining. It's not too cold outside. And it's Saturday - a break in the five-day routine. Yeah to laundry! Yah to Saturday swimming classes and errands and taking out the garbage. Yeah to Saturday morning waffles and massagies, and diapers that need changing.

Yeah.

Pay it Foward

Soon I'll be the recipient of a box o' fun from Josie, down the line.

It's part of a Pay it Forward amongst bloggers and the rules go something like this: as long as you're willing to pass along the bounty to another blogger, you get to play. Like Josie, I'll happily send along a box of wonder to three people who post their interest in playing along. Leave a note in the blog. I'll probably take the first three people who choose to leave a response as I think I've got a significantly lower readership then her! ;-) (I'll post a follow-up for the three people.)

Good luck.

10 random facts

Borrowed from Jonathan: a meme where the goal is to write down 10 random things about yourself - goals, peeves, etc.

1. I once went on a ski trip ... and I don't ski.

2. I don't think of my self as having a lot of anxiety right now, but today I was told otherwise.

3. When I was a pre-adolescent, I wanted to be an Irving gas girl.

4. I once gave up anger for Lent.

5. My mother wanted me to be an opera singer.

6. I wish I could be a Chaotic Evil, even if it were just in my spare time.

7. I'd rather load then unload.

8. I wish I had the freedom to move away from here.

9. I have a really bad stationary fetish.

10. I wish I could do more.

Lack of car ownership = handicap!

Coming from a man with a degree in Community Health, so he should know.

"It is important for the children to witness that when people choose not to have a car they are not handicapped towards their responsibilities."

This is from a guy who won't take his children to their sports, arts classes, library, or anything else, unless it was his idea, and on his time (and won't share any information on any programs he may have scheduled for the kids so that they can go with regularity ...). Oh, and it's ok to ask some one to travel 1.5 hours, one way by bus and walking, to drop off something at his house, and he doesn't have the grace to answer the door when the person arrives.

Rinse and repeat this scenario again (there was a second request the night before cross-over - and no one bothered to return that telephone call).

Any one wonder why I am jealous of single mothers?

Just to change the subject

Imagine that ... we're getting snow. What a novel weather pattern! (There's an inside joke here.)

An open letter to the man I loved

Dear XXXX,

Yesterday I received a telephone call from our daughter. She was asking me to deliver the winter coat you bought her to your place.

As I told her, I would bring it to school for drop-off in her locker Monday because she wore a warm coat that she liked to school that day. The big difference besides color? You didn't supply it.

I am sorry for so many things.

I am sorry that I didn't notice she wasn't wearing the other coat when she crossed back into her alternative life.

I am sorry that you made her call.

I am sorry that I had to tell her, as she broke down in tears, that this wasn't a conversation that she and I didn't need to have.

I am sorry that you were too busy to talk to me, even though it was clear that you were standing next to her during the entire conversation.

I am sorry that you couldn't find it in yourself to call me yourself and had to get your boyfriend partner to call to make arrangements for the coat's immediate return.

I am sorry that the two of you have made other life choices that allow you the benefit of two cars, and I, still, after how many years (?) rely on city transit, kindness of others, bicycle or foot to get around, had to make arrangements to get to your home, located in the suburbs, to drop off this coat.

I am sorry that you decided not to bring our eldest child to his art class that's only a block from his school so that the transfer could be made easier on both of us.

I am sorry that you felt it more important to run errands that morning and that none of them brought you to this neighborhood.

I am sorry that I may have caused you to postpone your ski trip because the ski tags have to be attached to that coat.

What I am not sorry for is that I loved you completely, utterly and deeply and that I was committed to you up to the point where you walked out, making the decision that it was more important to you to have an open marriage then have me as a life partner.

I am not sorry for the children we had together. They may not have been conceived in overt acts of affection, they are the loves of my life. They are MY gifts from God, and I am a better person for tangling with their struggles.

I am not sorry for the first years of our separation being a typical messy wardivorce. I thought I could provoke you into being a parent. I thought you only needed a wake up call to get your head out of your ass pay attention to what was real in your life.

I was wrong. I still am wrong. For that, kids, I'm deeply, utterly sorry. So sorry that all you've known is the separation of households.

I'm not sorry for saving myself and looking out for the best I could do for you. I've tried to make things right. I tried to make your life different to what you're experiencing now. It didn't work. It's up to you know to make your wishes known and stand up to the bullyyour father.

XXXX if my wishes held merit in the universe, this is my wish for you:

. That you find the courage to be a man, and not hide behind XXXXXXX, or use your children the way you have.
. That you find the selflessness it takes to be a parent. Your children need YOU, not the reasonable facsimile that you have given them.
. That you find peace. Carrying around anger takes W-A-Y too much energy which could be better spent on living a fun life.
. That you find how to be generous towards others. I thought I saw that once, way back, but, I could be wrong in what I saw.
. That you find healing. You've been battered around by women who have tried to love you. We loved you for who we saw. Be more genuine. Facades need too much upkeep and only disappoint in the end.

Your children need you. They love you. Keep up the status quo, and you will find yourself a very lonely man. I don't think either of us want that.

Loved,

Me

Sucker or good mother?

While out this weekend following a friend around while she ran her errands, we trekked through a local big-box crafting store where CU-2 and Friend's daughter poked and picked up various interesting things. One such thing as a Valentine's Day-themed tin mail box.

Not looking at the price, and having purposely left my money at home, I told CU-2 I could make one for her.

The weekend passed.

Monday night, after she'd come home from Guides, while having a late night pre-bedtime snack, she pitches her question to me. "So Mom, will you make me one ...".

&*^%.

And yes, the lever does work. DH got suckered into making something that moves.

It tastes like toothpaste

CU-3 made her first cake today. All by herself, with me supervising. She did a great job. Having to cross language frontiers (French- English) and read a recipe (the terminology confused her a bit), she did a great job. The cake is delicious.

The frosting was a bit of a voyage into the unknown. We didn't have icing sugar in order to make the regular butter cream frosting, so I went onto the web and found a three-ingredient, no-cook, corn syrup based frosting (marshmallow creme-ish) thing. It was great. Took the tint of green that CU-3 added just beautifully. The recipe called for a tsp of flavoring. She used mint, per her directive. It frosted beautifully.

So, for dessert we served it up. As I've said, the cake was delicious.

CU-3 said Thank you.

DH requested a second cut because he had to share with CU-4.

CU-1 ate half, pushed the uneaten half away saying "It's good. It tastes like toothpaste."

Sunday morning coffee

After a rough night with CU-4 (up every two hours. I think it's his teeth again). Five of the six of us are up. DH isn't feeling his usual chipper morning self. Come to think ok it, since his mom came for a visit over Christmas, and filled me in on what he was like as a boy, he seems to have reverted to this persona - kind of a grump in the morning. ;-) Not that this is a bad thing.

When I first met DH, he was your typical nice guy. As our romance progressed, he continued to be that nice guy - though, I knew something was missing. When we argued, it really was a one way affair. He absorbed my words like sound tiles. As he's become more comfortable in the relationship, he's changed, to something a bit more natural. He's still the same loving man I met several years ago. This time he's not just a two dimensional character. He's got many facets. I like those too. His adjustments have helped me to adjust too. I like who I am.

What triggered this naval gazing post? This morning's PostSecret entries. Particularly this one.