bad hair days and dresses stuck in tights

I've been walking around, for a couple of weeks now, maybe longer, feeling angry, grouchy, brittle. Wintertime is a period of me usually of hibernation, contemplation and a lot of self-work. And small gawds know (any any one who has seen me recently) knows that I could an Extreme Makeover!

The New Year ended and started with a "poof" - kind of like something one would see on Bugs Bunny after one of Wiley E. Coyote's failed stunts. I keep telling myself that that's ok, but the reality is that I'm not ok with it. I want 2006 to be different, more joyful, more joy filled. Maybe it's my realizing that this year, this winter is a bit different, as I start to sever long-term relationships and close the door on life changing events that initiated a historic chain of actions that lead me to the path I'm walking today.

January 2000 was a very troubling, actually horrible time in my life, one that I shall never, ever repeat. By the first of April, I was starting a new life that was more thrust upon me, though a welcome relief at that point, as I tried to battle something that was bigger than me, that was out side of me, that really was and wasn't about me.

The impact and outcome has been far far ranging resulting in groups and regrouping of entities into what now are more solid units. (CUs, I'm so sorry this happened.)

I think I'm having troubles realizing that there is an end to this part of my journey.

I'm feeling lost, a drift. The only way to provide a sufficient comparison to some one who hasn't experienced it is that it's like when you loose your job. Part of you gets left behind, willingly or less willingly.

So much of one's identity is attached to a job, a place, or a relationship that to shift it, unexpectedly is to jar something loose. And there it rattles around until it something snags it.

As this piece gets fitted in, maybe the Universe is saying that now is the time to take the steps to the rest of my life and further identify myself: a mother, a sister, a daughter, a creative problem solver, a friend, a schooled person, a reader, a fat chick, an accidental gardener, a Jill-of-all-trades, a wannabe photographer... what's next?